I Am Here To Shake Things Up.
There is a terrible injustice in America today - an injustice that has been perpetuating itself for generations without any significant hope for change.
You, the American public, are currently being offered a choice between two equally flawed "opposing" viewpoints. You, the American public, are being told that these are your only two choices, and that so-called "third party candidates" are a waste of time. But you have a great responsibility, American public, because you hold the fate of our country - nay, the entire free world - in your hands with this decision.
Sometime in the next few weeks, you will make this decision. Based upon the information you are spoon-fed through party politics, you will adhere to one of two "corporate-mainstream" philosophies: either 1) men are irrational because they don't understand women or 2) women are irrational because they don't understand men.
That's right. This is the column Mr. Meyers and Ms. Spellman don't want you to read. They don't want you to know there are other viewpoints, other options and other opinions. They don't want you know because they're happy with their two-party system. They want to perpetuate the lives of their parties at your expense, American public!
These partisan politics are ruining our country. Something has to change, and it has to change now. People are tired of this age-old battle between the sexes and the stranglehold it puts on the Student Union Senate. American public, I am here to shake things up.
I offer you a viable alternative to these stagnant Commonwealth Avenue fat cats.
Unlike Mr. Meyers and Ms. Spellman, my policies do not rely on sexist views to drive their political motors. The Pantomime Horse platform is one of simple equality for all people, regardless of race, gender or creed.
My policy is this: everyone is irrational because no one understands anything. That's it. It's clear, straightforward and easy to understand. I could bore you with list upon list of "details" and "facts", but unlike my opponents, I think you can grasp my concepts, and I think deep down you know I am right.
Look at Hillary Clinton, Richard Lewis and Mr. Snuffleupagus. No gender lines here, America, just irrationality all around.
Guys are stupid. Girls are stupid (and if you're having trouble at this point, it's because you're stupid, which means you should join the Pantomime Horse platform). We're all in one big ol' stupid stew, with plenty of chunky potatoes and carrots, just like your stupid mom used to make, stupid.
But Casey Schreiner is a man of the people. He does not put himself above his voting constituency like Mr. Meyers and Ms. Spellman are wont to do. I can admit my shortcomings. I'm stupid, too. I don't understand things like football, monkeys or the scientific concept of "color," but I do know one thing: you won't hear my opponents admit to anything like that, Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Public.
And let's talk economics for a minute. During Mr. Meyer's term in office, he waged an expensive and tedious campaign against a minor belligerent nation in Warren Towers, and what did this get us? Nothing but increased tuition and instability in the sensitive C-Tower region. For shame, Mr. Meyers. For shame.
And Ms. Spellman is not without her unnecessary expenditures, either. She bought python pants and only wore them once. "Wastrel!" I say. If Casey Schreiner buys python pants, you can trust Casey Schreiner to wear those python pants every day - for the American public.
But you can count on me to keep a balanced budget because I'm cheap and cranky. I clip coupons and complain when I'm overcharged. I will do some hard-line comparison-shopping for America's groceries.
Some of my supporters in Myles Standish Hall have complained that their dining hall cereals are sub par. They cite the current selection of "All-Bran," "Bran Bran," and "Bran Bran Bran" - a terrible administrative error that could only be the result of poor distribution policies by my opponents.
This is absurd. We live in the greatest country in the world. We deserve only the finest in sugary cereals, like the ones that are part of a balanced breakfast.
I will know which cereals are healthy for you, because I exposed unhealthy conditions in the food service industry before. Just mention my name to any corrupt hot dog manufacturer and they will cringe. Then, while they're cringing, you can steal their corrupt hot dogs.
So, American public, it's time to act: be sure to raise irrationality awareness by calling everyone stupid, but most of all, complain. Complain like there's no tomorrow. Set up a little booth on the sidewalk and complain to people walking by. Especially those who don't look interested. Also, my new photograph would make a great campaign button for your backpack.
Make the right decision, America, and don't forget how cool you'll look if you vote for an "alternative" candidate. Goodnight and God bless.