Welcome Back From BU's Secret Police

Dear Student #48209:

Welcome back from your Thanksgiving break. We trust your days off from class were filled with a ridiculous amount of schoolwork and studying, as we have instructed your professors to each assign you two major projects due this week. Ha, ha.

But we digress. This letter is not about schoolwork. It is about you. As you entered your room, you may have noticed that all of your furniture was overturned and your clothes were pulled out of your dressers and thrown about your floor. Please do not be alarmed. Vandals or other miscreants have not ransacked your room - we did. We here at the Boston University Secret Police care about you, which is why we have searched your room while you were away gorging yourself on a variety of delicious, home-baked pies.

Now don't try to tell us you've never heard about this before. We have proof. Remember when you had to sign those fifteen forms in a row when you first moved into your residence hall? Well, one of those forms - which you clearly must have read if you signed it - states that you agree to have your room searched. Do not worry, student. It is for your own safety.

Because Boston University is incapable of placing any modicum of trust in its students, we must check your room to make sure all of your major electrical appliances have been unplugged and your windows have been locked. You see, we have found that items as commonplace as clocks, stereos and unlocked windows have been known to spontaneously burst into flames. We wouldn't want that to happen, now would we?

We figured since we already went through all the trouble of coming into your room to check for fire safety, we might as well take a quick look around for anything else that shouldn't be here - you know, just to be on the safe side. So we used our BU Crowbar to bust into your closet, under your bed, inside your sink and anywhere else we thought the threat of fire might be looming. You have been found in violation of the following:

1). One (1) coffee maker. Students are not to make coffee in their dorm rooms. Students are to purchase coffee from the nearest Late Nite Café with our easy-to-use Dining or Convenience Points. Your coffee maker has been confiscat - I mean, impounded - and can be picked up at the end of the school year at the Starbucks at the George Sherman Union.

2). Two (2) sets of BBC television series DVDs ("The Avengers" and "Fawlty Towers"). While we were rummaging through your DVD collection, we noticed these two expensive-looking box sets. Upon further investigation, we determined that these sets were of "cult-TV shows." As stated in the Lifebook, the only University-sanctioned cults are cults of personality for our beloved Chancellor. Besides, you should only be watching wholesome, broadcasted American sitcoms like "Everybody Loves Raymond" or "Ed;" not those pinko limey ones. These sets have been impounded and will remain in our possession unless we can get a good offer for them on eBay.

3). One (1) computer and four (4) computer games. When we turned on your computer to see what Internet sites you have been frequenting, we noticed that you were in the possession of several computer games, none of which had any educational content whatsoever, but all of which featured flashy 3-D graphics and killer soundtracks. These looked like leisure-inducers to us, not study-aids, so swipe! Into the sack! We have left you a quill and inkwell to write your reports with instead (ink not included).

4). One (1) electric blanket and one (1) hot pot. At certain times in the year - such as November through April - Boston University may find it necessary to cut off heat and / or hot water service to your dormitory so that President Westling can fill every one of the teapots in his world-famous collection with piping hot goodness. We understand that you have become accustomed to having heat and hot water, but we think that not having them … um … you know - builds character.

5). One (1) so-called George Foreman Grill. The George Foreman Grill is reasonably priced and practical - two qualities that put it at odds with everything Boston University stands for, and so was shattered into tiny bits by Officer Mallory's "Smashin' Stick." A Building and Grounds crew was needed to clean up this mess, and you will be charged for their services ($10/hour for a minimum of four hours).

Oh, we also found a bit of alcohol hiding in your bottle of "NyQuil," so pack your bags, kiddo.

We thank you for your cooperation and revel in any inconvenience this may have caused you.


The Boston University Secret Police