"Sometimes You Know You Just Have To End It All"

Every so often there comes a day during the course of a person's life when he comes within reaching distance of that ever-elusive phenomenon known only as "the American Dream" - the day you quit your job.

Let us not ask why, in our success-obsessed society, voluntarily losing one's source of income is considered to be the highest form of pleasure attainable from employment, nor why contempt of those above us on the corporate ladder is somehow built in to a culture that supposedly rewards success. Instead, let us view a free guide to getting the optimum enjoyment out of quitting a job.

Thankfully, it's getting to be near the end of the semester, which means two things - one, the work's really going to start piling up now and two, it's time to make preparations for a source of income for next semester. If you've got a real job that's fulfilling and pays well, you may want to hang on to it - but this may come in handy later, say, on that inevitable day you grow to hate your place of employment and everything in it.

I've got one of those low-responsibility "work-study jobs" - in quotes because I neither work nor study nor consider it a real job - but I need to stay working there because if I don't, then I don't get to eat, and that would cause some definite problems. Well, I've always wanted to be called an armchair theorist … now's my chance! See? We really can all realize our dreams at Boston University!

The first thing you must do is ask for a letter of recommendation. Take it from me; no one's going to give you one after you're done following these steps.
Next, you must abandon all sense of loyalty to wherever you happen to be working. This will make it much easier for you to come into work late and also gets rid of that nasty "guilt" thing you can get if you decide to incorporate embezzlement into your severance package. Once your loyalty is sufficiently destroyed, it is time to proceed to step three: indirect confrontation with your immediate supervisor.

If you have recently gotten a new manager, this will be exceedingly easy. Start with simple tactics like glaring at the manager while passing in the hallway, standing by the water cooler or in the restroom. For added fun, I suggest peering over the wall of the stall, glaring for a few seconds, and then leaving … without washing your hands! This practice should be kept subtle at first until you gain enough confidence to respond to your manager's new scheduling proposal at the next group meeting with a hearty, "Says YOU, Grandma Moses!" The puzzled looks you receive mean you're well on your way to quitting your job.

The next step in this charmingly cobbled road is dissemination of gossip. This is done to shake your fellow workers' confidence in the company, which, according to Domino Theory, ensures a steady stream of resignations after you set the trend. While it may not have proved true in Southeast Asia, it most certainly works in the office. Any rumor, from "I heard the boss was moving us to a sweatshop with sealed windows" to "Geraldine said there was a boa constrictor loose in the air ducts" is guaranteed to send your co-workers flying home to update their résumés.

Once you've gotten pretty good at spreading rumors, it's time to go to the supervisor who's one rung above your supervisor on the corporate ladder. This is when you start spreading rumors about your supervisor, claiming that you don't want to leave, but he's making it really difficult for you to stay on board with them. Don't even bother with complaints like incompetence or apathy toward the well being of other employees - they've heard all that before. You need to go for the gold, my friends - the shiny, malleable gold of sexual harassment.

Even the stodgiest of supervisors cannot ignore a complaint based on sexual harassment because now everyone knows you don't have to take it. Just tell the upper-managers that you saw your supervisor leering at a nun, ogling a baby and groping a wide-eyed puppy and he'll be packing up his desk faster than you can say "It's so great that I was able to bend the work of groundbreaking feminists and right-minded legislators to suit my own selfish needs."

When the big day finally arrives, be sure to steal as many office supplies as you can, and be sure to break whatever you can't fit in your pockets and/or loot bags. And always remember this - if you get fired before you're able to complete all the steps in this guide, be sure to yell at the top of your lungs "You can't fire me! I quit!" You know you've always wanted to say that.