Puritans On Parade.
Click here to read the DFP Article that inspired this column.
Hear ye, hear ye! Thy olde towne crier hath a significant announcement for the publick at large! Please gather in ye olde square for a message concerning recent developments of your elected congress of representatives!
Ye Olde Student Union, upon receiving a list of grievances from us hearty townsfolk, hath petitioned our most noble President Westling for a new, advanced scientific wonder that would aid the motion-picture machines called "tele-visions." Hear ye, hear ye!
Have you all assembled in a peaceful and orderly fashion? Excellent. Now I can cut this "town crier" bit, which was hurting my throat and causing a collection of singing cats to gather outside my window.
Dearest people, I have read with interest the recent Daily Free Press article concerning President Westling's refusal to provide all Boston University dormitories with "enhanced reception." I was puzzled about the logic underlying his conclusions, and put my critical mind to work to figure out what was going on. After humming to myself and scratching my chin to produce maximum thought, I had reached an epiphany.
"Eureka!" I exclaimed as I jumped up from my chair, which was quickly followed by "Ouch!" as I hit my head on a light fixture and fell to the floor, unconscious. Two hours later, after a delightful hallucination involving Girl Scout cookies, my Resident Assistant revived me with smelling salts. I thanked her and apologized for having The Vapors.
My epiphany, friends and readers, is this: Boston University has been chosen as the beachhead for a Puritan reclamation of New England, and I want to jump on their bandwagon immediately, for it is filled with the finest pitchforks and homemade torches.
I have been waiting for this moment ever since I was born, and now I'm ready for some hardcore Puritanical oppression. I've already got my black buckled shoes and tunic on, and my wig is being powdered as we speak - I looks like a regular Oliver Cromwell, I do!
Please, please, please let me join you, President Westling! I completely agree with the stance you took in the Daily Free Press article. Students do not deserve television reception well, most of them don't, at least. I have cable television, myself, but I will soon burn my television set and replace it with a shiny Bible, complete with Super Action Thumping Grips for easy handling.
But why even mince words, President Westling? No student should have any television set at all! They distract us from our studies and cause laziness, and should therefore be smashed into tiny, tiny pieces. Besides, we all know the Devil lives in there. If students want to watch the Idiot Box, then they can go to any other college in the country and I do stress "any."
Actually, now that I think about it, televisions aren't the only thing students stare at instead of their affordable college textbooks - there are things like computers and dazzling microwaves. Does the Devil also live inside these? I say yes, and these should also, therefore, be smashed into bits.
You're right, President Westling. Our college years should be spent reflecting on questions that demand complex consideration - questions like "for the love of God, what is in that dessert?" or "how will I learn to be independent at college with an overbearingly dominant bureaucracy controlling my every motion?" They should not be watching television, which I know you and I have never done.
But why stop at television, President Westling? After the television department at the College of Communication has been dismantled for being the opiate of the masses, what next? What about the carnal evils of fornication? Granted, our guest policy makes it difficult, but the Devil is a cunning beast, and people are still able to fornicate instead of studying.
My proposal is this: anyone caught violating BU's visiting hours - I'm sorry, "Guest Policy" - should be immediately branded with a scarlet "A" and chained to the center of Marsh Plaza so everyone can see their shameful, shameful crime. Further violations clearly mean that the perpetrator is a witch, and must be dealt with in an appropriate manner.
Yes, the time for the Puritan revolution is now, and I am happy to be a part of it. So bring back those Blue Laws and excessively modest black garments. This city has been the Devil's playground for too long - it's high time we put an end to things like "pleasure," "entertainment," and "sensibility." Sure, we may have screwed up royally in Holland. And England. And New England but this time we'll get it right!