A Look Into The Future: Boston University In 2010
Recently, Boston University exercised its unparalleled land-ownership strength and renovated the building formerly known as "the HoJo's" into a full-fledged Boston University dormitory, complete with Ethernet connections and useless cable television jacks. This continues Boston University's tradition of using historic buildings for student residences, which lends the entire campus a well-rooted air of familiarity. Babe Ruth liked the view from Myles Standish Hall, Shelton Hall used to be a swanky riverfront hotel and the HoJo's had the biggest ecstasy bust ever-recorded in New England. Well, I guess you win a few; you lose a few.
With the Student Village and its future expansions holding more and more upperclassmen in on-campus housing, the housing crunch underclassmen experienced last year will no doubt continue to increase, forcing BU to convert more and more of the countless buildings they own in the Boston area into dormitories. What will the orientation housing catalogues of the future look like? Come along with me on a wildly speculative and unsubstantiated glimpse into the future the future of Boston University housing.
Congratulations on your acceptance into Boston University! As part of an unfortunate typographical error on the informational packets we sent to prospective students over the last five years, we are now obligated by the Suffolk County Superior Court to provide housing to 100% of our undergraduate students. You are very fortunate to be able to choose from a variety of quality student housing, most of which is near-completion or slated for completion during your first semester!
580 Commonwealth: This architectural wonder has stood the test of time as well as the test of terrible tenants. This is why, after Boston University evicted all the tenants and seized the building, no renovation work was done. We don't want to mess with perfection! The holes in the floor give this building its unique "vertical suites," offering optimal privacy and security. Ladders provided by the University.
Johnson Memorial Tower: While this building used to be a low-priced Howard Johnson's motor lodge, the name actually comes from graduate Lucy Baines Johnson, wife of former President Lyndon B. Johnson. Be sure to visit the Special K Kitchen on the first floor, where you can pick up some ready-to-go meals as well as sleep aids and stimulants. Also features the Lava Bar Lounge, a quiet place to study for finals in a comforting atmosphere created with swirling multicolored lights.
The Environment House: Last year, Boston University finally realized its dream of bridging the Massachusetts Turnpike with this state of the art new dormitory. Designed with the nature lover in mind, the Environment House features 300 sleeping bags strung across the highway telephone and light poles via extension cords. Includes "Fitness Center" climbing course, for that last workout before you settle in for a 'swinging' rope party.
Loquer Manor: Are you tired of having to leave 20 minutes before your classes begin for a hike down Commonwealth Avenue? Then Loquer Manor is the residence for you! Not even a stones-throw away from the College of Arts and Sciences, this centrally located dorm is the perfect meeting place for your friends all over campus before you head out for a night on the town or an evening at home. Loquer Manor consists of ten rows of old lockers in the hallways of the College of Arts and Sciences and boasts luxurious 10 square feet living spaces. Be sure to check out the specialty Contortionist Corridor!
Survival House: Are you looking for Boston University's first fully customizable dorm room? Then Survival House is for you! The University provides you with all the things you need for college survival - a desk, dresser, blue mattress and a six-foot spear - and lets you loose in the city to prove once and for all to your parents that you really can fend for yourself. Saves money, too!
The Armory: While Boston University originally had slated this building for destruction for the Student Village complex, several New England historical societies banded together to prevent demolition. Instead, the building was renovated into a dormitory, climate controlled to always be 96 degrees Fahrenheit. Best known for the robot Uberchancellor Silbertron's speech on opening day, in which he joyously declared, "If rats can live here, then it's good enough for my students!"
The future, dear readers, is not always flying cars and triangular fashion statements. Sometimes the future can be terrifying. In this case, it is especially terrifying, not only because visitors to Boston will be greeted by dangling college students on the Mass Pike, but also because John Silber will still be Chancellor. And a robot, too.