Bring It On.

     Many people wonder why their peers would want to become a weekly columnist in a newspaper. Some would tell you that they have a journalistic responsibility to the community at large. Some would tell you that they want to use their position in the media to affect positive change in the way people view the world. Some would even tell you that they want the position to make their résumé look nicer.

     These people are all big, fat liars. The only reason columnists write columns is fame - petty, petty fame. Everyone likes to see their name in the newspaper and everyone likes to see their picture in the newspaper. Therefore, seeing one's picture and name in the newspaper on a regular basis is highly likeable. There is, however, one thing a columnist likes more than this.

     A fellow columnist once told me the true mark of a good columnist is receiving letters to the editor about his or her column. Actually, I'm not sure if she said this or not, but that's not important. What's important is this: there has not yet been a single letter to the editor written about The Pantomime Horse.

     What is the reason for this, readers? Are you lazy? Are you illiterate? Do you not enjoy my column? That's not even an excuse, because every time I open the Freep, there's a new letter complaining about Amy Margolis' long-winded political diatribes and unattainable moral high ground. Why does she get letters while my mailbox remains empty? There can only be one explanation: I am simply not provocative enough.

     "So," I said to myself. "What can I do to remedy this situation? How can I get someone to write a letter to the editor about me? How can I achieve columnular notoriety? Is "columnular" a word?" Then the answers came to me: First - no, "columnular" is not a word; and second - a series of random unsubstantiated belligerence toward Boston University organizations is the fastest path to provocateur status - much faster than a concise, well-researched article on corruption within the university.

     Hey, you know what I could use? Some kind of guide that would help me choose classes based on student surveys. I would have no problem if a portion of my undergraduate student fee was given to such a publication. You know what I could really use, though? A guide of this manner that's actually published on time. The Source Guide must be destroyed.

     Mustard Seed is a "Christian a-cappella" group that I have never heard about until I looked at a list of student groups. Everyone enjoys an a-cappella group now and then, and on this campus, their performances are a rare treat, indeed. However, the name of this group is clearly a reference to the mustard gas used in World War One. This group must change its name or be destroyed.

     The Model United Nations Club promotes a supranational governing body that will counteract the sovereignty of nations. This club serves only the Machine - the Machine of political globalization and evil, evil capitalism that we must all rage against by buying records by bands that use socialist iconography. That will show the aforementioned Machine. This group must get bad haircuts and also be destroyed.

     Some of the most sinister groups on campus are the service groups. Witness the Substance Free Coalition, a transparent euphemism for a nihilist assault group, and Project Heifer, whose merciless mocking of our more robust friends has gone unchecked for too long. These groups must be forced to eat only the vegan entrees in the dining halls. Then they will destroy themselves.

     The Literary Pipe Smokers club shamelessly advocates both book burning and smoking. Is it 1984 in 2000? This club certainly thinks so. But could you resist the smooth flavor of an Emily Brönte melodrama? I could. This group must be made to wear clothing of the opposite gender and walk through the GSU for a day. Then they must be destroyed.

     The Society Of Hispanic Professional Engineers is building a robot so powerful it will overwhelm us all. Do not let their docile moniker fool you - this group, too, must be destroyed, and their robot delivered to me post-haste.

     The PlaneCrazy Flying Association tries to use a clever homonym to invoke a feeling of carelessness and abandon that suggests piloting an airplane. Do not be deceived. Everyone in this group is actually "plain crazy," having escaped from a high-security mental institution several years ago. I think you know what has to be done.

     The following groups are communists: College Democrats, College Republicans, UMOJA, Terpsichore and Fusion. I'm not saying they need to be destroyed, as that would be unconstitutional … I just thought you should know they're Red.

     Hey! Did you know Hitler was a vegetarian? The Vegetarian Society sure does.

     And I don't even have enough room to go into the heinous skeletons inside the Juggling Association's closet. Legally, all I can say is two words: "Love Canal."

     But at least we can all thank the Student Underground for doing so much to combat the stereotypical image of liberals as whiny, paranoid windbags.

     Enraged? Confused? Lost and alone? Bring it on. Write a letter to the editor of the Daily Free Press and send me a copy at