I Can Pack Away More Bon Bons Than You'd Think.
This letter was sent to the Board of Trustees at Boston University over the recent Winter Break.
To the Board of Trustees of Boston University:
I have set the standard cost for being graced with the presence of Casey Schreiner for the 2001/2002 academic year at $25,872 and the basic room and board rate - and I'm being more than generous with this cost - $8,750, for a total of $34,622. These rates represent an overall increase of 4.4 percent.
I have endeavored to keep this increase as small as possible, while still keeping up with the rapidly increasing costs, and providing people with an excellent Schreiner-experience. And this year, I am unfortunately facing sharply increasing costs, especially for the twenty-foot-tall solid gold statue I am building in Boston Common.
I get a lot of criticism for this statue, which is mostly because people assume I am merely building this monument to myself to fuel my own ego. That is a gross misunderstanding of my goals. My statue, when completed, will shoot licorice from its eyes at passers-by in order to provide good and quality licorice to the community at large.
You should know that I continue to work at finding increasing support from sources other than the Board of Trustees. Last year, for example, I took a traveling medicine show along the Appalachian Trial, swindling the naïve townsfolk wherever I went. My medicine show included some of the finest and most grizzled quack doctors and con artists in the country - people at the forefront of their disciplines.
The importance of my presence on this mortal coil is being increasingly recognized by my colleagues and friends, and by foundations, corporations and other philanthropists. I know this because I received a staggering $17 in gifts last year. The dramatic increase in annual giving in the last few years (it has almost doubled in the past five years) reduces the pressure on the Board to continue to fund my presence here.
While I admit I probably could find money through other venues, such as insurance fraud, panhandling or plundering the Spanish Main, I have made an executive decision to simply lie around eating Bon Bons and wait for people to give me money. Now I know this may sound like a risky plan for the future, but my plan has been heartily endorsed by both my sock drawer Board of Directors and the Nestlé Corporation. I can pack away a lot more Bon Bons than you'd think.
I'm reminded of an incident last summer, when some friends and I held our annual Gluttony Festival. I was able to eat six full boxes of Bon Bons and a can of salsa, but I think I'm getting away from what's important, here: how much money you need to give me. Please don't think I'm being greedy - I need this money to help everything within my reach.
There is a sizable group of Bic pens residing in my room. They have chosen to live in my room because of my prestigious namesake and conveniently centralized urban location. Recently, many of them have complained about the poor quality card houses I acquired for them, despite the fact that many of these card houses are built from fine antique nineteenth and early twentieth century playing cards. To placate the masses, I built a state-of-the-art dwelling out of the finest DVD cases.
Do you have any idea how expensive DVDs are? I didn't know, but after I promised my pens the finest in pen housing, I couldn't very well go back on my word. I am still heavily in debt from this endeavor, and rest assured that a portion of your money would go to paying off this debt. Once this debt is paid, I will begin construction of my very own recreational facility (which will consist of a Super Fun Waterslide and the world's largest strobe light) and additional space for my growing collection of Altoid tins.
My goal is to ensure that my pens benefit from excellent housing and education. On behalf of myself, I wish to thank you for your continued support and wish you well for the New Year. I will now sit idly by my mailbox. Please deliver the $34,622 in unmarked bills in a brown paper bag at your earliest convenience. And try not to get any of those wrinkled old bills in there, would you?